A Mind Virus

Written at mile 653 – Ridgecrest

It started two days ago. I was feeling low. We have those out here. I had brain fog and felt very depressed. I asked myself “what am I doing? Why am I subjecting myself to all this insanity?” I didn’t think those types of questions would happen so soon.

We have a saying out here. “Never quit on a bad day.” I agree. I shrugged it off and tallied it up to a “bad day.” Besides, I like hard things. That’s why I’m out here. I slept well. 

The next day, I knew something was wrong. Something was very wrong. A few miles into my day, I was already dizzy with tiredness and had very low energy. The brain fog was much worse. My mind was swirling with intrusive thoughts and other unpleasantries. I quickly understood I had the worst kind of virus there is. I had a mind virus. I was burnt out. 

Well over 10 years ago, professionally, I had burnout. I know what it feels like. It makes you hate everything you’re doing and there is virtually nothing you can do to make it better. My solution back then was to quit my job and find something else. 

The burnout of this trail got worse with time that day. I hated everything about the trail. The actual walking. The heaviness of my pack. The food I ate. The scenery. The heat. The dryness. The constant sweating. The bugs. My gear. My shoes. The pain in my body. The dirt I was walking on. The sounds of the birds. The exposure of the sun. The thoughts in my head. The dirt on my body. My stench. Other hikers. My skin. The rocks under my feet. The plants scraping my skin as I pass. The insanity of what I’m doing, walking from Mexico to Canada. 

My hatred for the trail slowed me down. I was walking at a much slower pace than normal. I was traveling maybe 1.5-2 miles/hour, on very easy graded trail.  

All I did was fantasize about getting injured on the trail. If I got injured, I could get off this hell scape and return to normal society. 

I wasn’t homesick. I didn’t miss certain people. I didn’t long for my bed in my own bedroom. All I wanted was to stop walking. 

Towards the end of the day, I found myself taking my normal break, eating my normal snack, sitting on a rock, in the shade. No one was around. I audibly repeated, “I’m so exhausted. I’m so tired.” Over and over I said those words. I rested my head on my hands and arms, in an attempt to give my body respite. I wept and pleaded with the gods to give me any reason to get off the trail.

I had a tooth ache. 

My toes felt funny. 

What if I tumbled down the side of the hill?

Some of my fly bites aren’t looking so good. 

I’m nauseas and dizzy. That has to mean something. 

Intrusive thoughts got darker and darker. I started accepting broken bones. I accepted a field of Poodle Dog Bush rubbing against my entire body. Norovirus sounded like a good time. My burnout was intense and off the charts. 

In an unexpected way, my prayers were answered…

At the end of the second horrible day, I found myself at a water cache. There was a trail angel doing SERIOUS trail magic. They, and the hikers, welcomed me in with enthusiasm and glee. “DO YOU WANT A SMOOTHIE? HOW ABOUT A GATORADE OR COOKIE? WATERMELON?” My mind virus interpreted their normal voices as knives slicing my ears. 

I had to hide my virus as much as possible. I at least had the sense to know I couldn’t infect others. It’s not fair to them. 

“Yes. I’m so exhausted. I’ll take whatever you’d like to give me. I just need to sit down.” I slumped into a chair. I was quiet while the other hikers attempted to cheer me up. “These smoothies are incredible.” Each hiker exclaimed their love for the smoothies as I pounded down a Gatorade.

A few minutes later the trail angel, Alex, handed me a real pint glass full to the brim of his special smoothie: spinach, frozen berries, banana, and almond milk. It was truly incredible and the best trail magic I’ve had this whole trail. I slowly consumed it until it was gone. My exhaustion started to lift, but was not gone. 

Before I knew what was happening, most of the hikers had left to get a few more miles, while I, and another few fellows stayed to sleep near the trail angel and water cache. We were too tired from the day to continue on. And, it was dinner time. The trail angel (and his wife, Lisa) greeted me again and said, this is for you: a large bowl of hot mac and cheese with broccoli and chicken sausage. 

My body lifted up. I ate the entire bowl with a big grin on my face. They knew what they were doing. They were killing my mind virus. It was working. I felt like a normal person. 

*Ding*

A major light bulb went off. I’m still not eating enough. 

After talking and strategizing with the leftover hikers and trail angels, we came up with a plan. First, I must calculate how many calories I am eating per day. Then, I must find a way to get more calories than what my smart watch says I burn. Simple. But I’m already eating 4 meals and 3-6 snacks a day. Huh. 

We all go to sleep feeling refreshed from the amazing trail magic. I slept hard and very well. The next morning, I was greeted with two tortillas filled with eggs, chicken sausage, spinach, and salsa. Incredible. I felt like I could hike for a million miles. These trail angels had squashed and cured my burnout. 

With a smile on my face, I pack up and put on my pack. Oddly, I had a hard time putting my left arm through the shoulder strap. My arm can’t seem to find it. I take off my pack to inspect what was going on. This is when I find my unexpected and answered prayer. 

Overnight, mice had chewed through my shoulder strap and hip belt. There was barely anything left of the shoulder strap. And the hip belt wasn’t too far behind. They did quite the number on it. 

To inform my readers: rodents and other wildlife, LOVE the salt of our packs, clothes, trekking pole handles, and other items. 

I recently heard a story of someone’s Kula Cloth being stolen in the night. Yum. 

So here I am, failing to find a solution to continue hiking. I ask the trail angels to take me into the nearest town where I can wait in a hotel for a new pack to arrive. 

I got my wish. I am off the trail. 

And. 

I am not quitting.

To close the loop on my calorie situation, I am currently eating 3,600-4,000 calories/day. My watch says I’m burning 5,500-6,000/day. I need an additional 2,000 calories/day. Let that sink in for a minute. 

There are two very real problems with that statement. 

1. Where do I put 2,000 more calories into my backpack? I’m already struggling to carry the volume of food I’m currently eating. 
2. How do I consume 2,000 more calories? I’m already eating 4 meals and 3-6 snacks/day. The exhaustion, altitude, and my palette will prevent me from eating. It’s so hard to eat and physically chew the food I already have. It makes me nauseas. I feel like the Gluttony guy from the movie Seven.

These are all puzzles I get to figure out while I’m waiting for my new pack to arrive. Which at this point is a few more days away. 

I’m already itching to get back on trail. I’m tired of being in my hotel room and this town. How ironic that just a few days ago I was pleading with the gods to get me off the trail, and now, all I want to do is get back on. 

This is all well and good because this town has a good diner, and there’s a bowling alley across the street that I’m eyeing. 

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Good news: there’s a Walmart here that has several PF flavors I’ve not seen anywhere else. 

1. Manatauk – delicious chocolate chip cookie. Standard issue. 
2. Nantucket – the Manatauk, with “strong” sea salt. My favorite of the two. 
3. Milano – lemon and white chocolate. While I do like these, I feel the white chocolate takes away and mutes the lemon. Though the white chocolate brings a bit of moisture. I would prefer a standard lemon cookie. 
4. Tahoe – white chocolate macadamia – I love this cookie. It’s not overwhelming, which means it asks me to eat more. 
5. Chessman – butter – I love these as well. I’m drawn to the designs in each, while they are obviously a wonderful way to get my daily butter intake.
6. Santa Cruz – on par with Manatauk, but as oatmeal raisin. It’s exactly what I would expect for oatmeal raisin. I like that it’s nothing special or wild. 
7. Dublin – I’m a sucker for shortbread. Yet, I would give the edge to Chessman. 
8. Gingerman – I love that these aren’t strong. They keep me wanting to eat more. That seems to be a theme across all Pepperidge Farms.